Bumper Sticker Mentality

Ever see those cars plastered with stickers all over the back?  Not the ones with an amusing quip about your favorite pastime, spoiling your grandkids, supporting a favorite team or being proud of your kid who made the honor role, but the political/cultural ones that supposedly communicate a simple but profound concept that even a child could understand if he wasn’t an idiot with differing political views.   “Books Not Bombs” is an example that makes us scratch our heads, but not in the way the driver intended when he slapped it on his car.  When has anyone had to choose one or the other?  Could we have expected the same outcome to WW2 or Iraq’s invasion of Kuwait if we dropped thousands of dictionaries out of B52s? 

Along the same lines, consider “Give Peace a Chance”, as if this John Lennon proverb never occurred to world leaders, who start wars as a first option to satisfy bloodlust rather than a last option when all else fails. ‘After reading the bumper sticker, I had the epiphany that maybe we shouldn’t be fighting people trying to kill us’.  Because common sense says if America disbands their armed forces every other country will too. 

Or the classic “Bush Lied, People Died”, which is an admission that ‘the dumbest President in history’ managed to dupe the entire world - including your favorite congressman and the United Nations - into believing a made-up threat was real so he could wage war because he felt grouchy.  Is that easier than admitting your Senator saw the same data and reached the same conclusions?  Or that your Senator knew better but didn’t have the balls to speak up?

I suppose it seems clever to some to encapsulate an entire world philosophy into a collection of 8 inch stickers, but maybe that says something about the depth of thinking that goes generates them.  “If it can’t be said in less than 5 words it’s too complex for the electorate to grasp”.  Kind of insulting, no?

But it doesn’t have to actually be a bumper sticker to fit the 4-5 word rule. The most popular 3... (OK, 4) word phrase for the past 20 months has been “Russia Hacked the Election”.  I’m bewildered how people think this communicates anything of substance, but it is a splendid meme to vent but disguise animus.  Let’s break it down:

Russia:  The same people who scream racism at any suggestion of a border policy with Mexico or a government agency to enforce immigration laws are willing to brand the entire country of Russia as criminals.  Not just Vladimir Putin or some bad actors with a political agenda, nope –anyone whose last name ends with the letters ‘sky’ is guilty.  Those evil Russians are the spawn of Satan and share a common identity.  Isn’t xenophobia a Russian word anyway?  Well it should be!

Hacked:  I wouldn’t classify myself as a cyber security expert but I have learned something about the topic in my 30 years in the computer and communications industry.  The word ‘hacked’ can be used in many contexts.  You can hack a security system, meaning you found a way through the safeguards implemented to keep you out.  This is usually illegal because you access something you aren’t authorized to access, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you have altered anything or stolen data. 

You can ‘hack’ a database, which usually refers to stealing information that was intended to be kept secure.  This happens more often than you realize because large institutions like banks don’t advertise that they paid money to extortionists who threaten to expose their security vulnerabilities. 

You can ‘hack’ another’s program to do something self-serving  like deposit a bank’s daily rounding change into your account, erase your parking tickets or fix your high school grade like Ferris Bueller, although these stories are usually apocryphal.

In the legitimate software industry, a ‘hack’ is a quick and dirty way to fix a program but lacks the elegance or rigorous testing required to make it production worthy.  Hacks are not necessarily bad. In fact Facebook has made ‘hackathons’ much anticipated events to attract developers, offering prizes to the ‘hackers’ that produce solutions to complex problems in a short time frame. 

Perhaps the most sinister definition of ‘hack’ implies bypassing security AND altering data, usually going undetected until much damage has been done.  In the ‘Russians Hacked the Election’ bumper sticker context we presume this is the implied definition, although any generally harmful connotation seems to be acceptable.   Synonyms in this context include Ruined, Rigged, Invalidated, Corrupted, Delegitimized, Stole and a host of other despicable terms.

The Election:  Again, ambiguity is a friend to the simple minded.  The obvious suggestion is that the US 2016 presidential election results were altered by those nasty Russians, illegitimately awarding Donald Trump the most powerful office in the world. But what does this mean – the (entire world population of) Russians insidiously infiltrated US voting machines and punched ballots remotely?  Or maybe they messed with the ballot counting machines and fiddled with the vote counts?  Or did they just intercept information on the US National Election Results Network to change the numbers while in transit to ‘the mainframe’?  Never mind there is absolutely no evidence that a single vote was changed, in fact every investigation shows this is not even possible because the voting machines are not electronically connected.  Or is the argument that Russian actors disseminated fake news that altered perspectives on the candidates?  Heaven forbid!!  Does this mean we can no longer blindly believe everything we read on social media like we do on broadcast and cable new outlets?  It’s getting so voters almost have to exercise some discernment to filter information and form a position.  What’s America coming to?

So what is the profundity of ‘Russia Hacked the Election’?  Is the outrage about ensuring integrity of our democratic process?  If so we see far more evidence of voter fraud influencing results in every election cycle. But resistance is strong against voter ID measures to stop it, some branding as racist the notion that voters should have to show some form of identification to participate in US elections (unless they sound Russian, in which case they should be imprisoned and immediately and water boarded continuously until they give us some juicy details about Trump).    It begs the question whether there really is a policy concern here or just another desperate effort to invalidate election results that didn’t go as expected. 

The 4 word phrase makes no sense. But apparently that is not a prerequisite to wallpapering your car with simple minded phrases to justify your hatred. 

The New Politically Correct NFL - "Redskins" Opens our Eyes

Recent outrage over the disgusting, offensive, racist and bigoted name of the NFL’s Washington franchise has helped raise awareness of the insensitivity we foster under the guise professional competition.  We at the World Unified Sports Sensitivity Institute (WUSSI) have decided it’s time to end these harmful practices and demand more socially acceptable terms and images for team nicknames, logos and mascots.    We only hope a sudden and decisive turn from their exploitative ways will create a karma life-line for the souls of NFL franchise owners in the wake of their cruel and abusive history of insensitivity.  We have analyzed the team nicknames in the NFL and published our findings below:

Washington Redskins – obviously racist and insensitive.  This has been proven beyond all doubt by the media and a consensus of top university scientists around the world.  We have DNA evidence for heaven’s sake. Nothing more needs to be said.  

Kansas City Chiefs -  See Washington Redskins above.  Chiefs are Indians, and Indians are exploited, abused, victims.  We might accept “Heroic Leaders of Victimized Indigenous Americans”, but only if 50% of the profits are donated to Native American reservations.

Dallas Cowboys – No groups is more responsible for the brutal, insensitive treatment “Redskins” and “Chiefs” than cowboys.  Why don’t we just bring our 6-shooters to the game and blast away at our opponents?  Surely we have evolved past these violent stereotypes by now.  We might accept “Trustees of Livestock Management”, but then there’s that whole animal rights problem.  We suggest avoiding the whole ‘wild west’ theme altogether.  

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Buccaneers were lawless pirates who preyed on Spanish traders in the 17^th century. Needless to say, this is not the socially constructive image we want the NFL to convey.  

Oakland Raiders – These are just Buccaneers without the cultural and historical reference.  Same shameless aggrandizement of disrespect for others property and rights.  Unacceptable.

Minnesota Vikings:  Vikings are infamous for looting and pillaging weaker, peace-loving artisans simply because are big, violent guys with catapults, swords and hats with horns on them.  Do we have to connect the dots to Adrian Peterson?  We also find the ‘fat-lady’ reference offensive to our plus-sized fans.  Time to bring it up to the 21^st century. 

New Orleans Saints:  While the term “Saint” is not offensive in itself, it’s an implicit endorsement of a specific religious status.  If you don’t nip this in the bud, we’ll have teams called “The Infidels”, “The Abusive Priests”, “The Jihadists”… Where does it stop?  Let’s take the religion out of our professional sports and put it back in the closet where it belongs.  

New York Giants:  Nearly 100 cases of gigantism have been reported in the US.  You wouldn’t think of calling your team “The New York Mutants” would you?  I think we’ve made our point.   

Atlanta Falcons, Philadelphia Eagles, Seattle Seahawks, Arizona Cardinals:  Birds are our friends, not a class of animals to exploit for our amusement.  Just because they have feathers doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings. Who speaks for them?

Detroit Lions, Chicago Bears, Carolina Panthers, Jacksonville Jaguars, Cincinnati Bengals:  Its sad that so many of nature’s majestic creatures have been abducted from their homes and imprisoned in zoos  where we construct concrete and steel barriers to make us feel superior.   It’s time we returned all big cats and predators back into the wild and let them reclaim their deserved place at the top of the food chain.  Show some respect. 

Miami Dolphins: Dolphins might be the smartest animals on earth.  Did you know they communicate with each other?  Someday we may evolve enough to learn their language and when we do, we’ll find out they’ve been saying “Please Stop Exploiting us”!

St Louis Rams:  What’s the first image that comes to mind when you think of a ram?  Right, a big, dominating male trying to knock out his peers with a head butt.  Do you want to explain to a weeping mother why her little kid is unconscious in the ER because some playground bully was trying to emulate his favorite team mascot???  We didn’t think so.

San Franciso 49ers;  A reference to the gold rush of 1849, when prospectors uprooted their families from their loved ones and fled to California in search of riches. Multiple issues here:  Have you ever seen a prospector who looks like he takes care of himself?  And has good dental hygiene?  Not the model we want for our kids.  And it’s time we stopped romanticizing the blind greed of the gold rush era.  A few prospectors got rich, but most became destitute.  Greed, greed, greed.  It’s time we shift from this capitalistic blitzkrieg toward riches and take a kinder, gentler approach toward our financial future. We think “Government Dependents” finds the right tone as a suitable replacement name.  

New York Jets – Since the Vietnam war, Jets have been the source of more bombings and destruction than all the wars before them.  Jets = death, destruction and senseless violence.  What’s wrong with “Peacekeepers”?  How about we start propping these up as our heros instead of celebrating war machinery?  Sheesh!

Buffalo Bills: While we appreciate a good play on words, “Buffalo Bill” refers to William Frederick "Buffalo Bill" Cody, who made himself famous by killing as many innocent American bison (aka buffalo) as he could.  Need we say more?

New England Patriots:  The NFL is trying hard to expand into Europe. We even played a couple games over in England to test the waters.  A constant reminder of how their redcoat ancestors got their asses kicked 200 years ago isn’t good for business relations. Fix it now so we can all make money. 

Cleveland Browns:  We thought about colors for team names, but ran into a couple problems.  First, it limits the number of teams we could have in the league, although our Crayola consultant tells us they would be willing to grant the league licenses for at least 64 unique names.  But then some colors are just plan offensive-  Who gets to be the “White” team?  Then we have have games where “Black” versus “Brown” and the whole thing gets ugly fast.  Best to avoid colors altogether.  

Indianapolis Colts:  A colt is basically a child. We like the imagery of youthful exuberance, but we think children should be able to make their own choices instead of being shoved into a career path to fit society’s demands.  Besides, most horses end up in glue factories which is the seamy underbelly of this whole equine industry.  Nobody wants to pay a trillion dollars in damages because some Youtube clips surface of the team mascot being reduced to a bottle of rubber cement in Johnny’s classroom.  Let’s head this one off now.

Denver Broncos:  A Bronco is a wild, untamed horse of North America.  The obvious reference is to capture, cage and ‘break’ the last symbol of independence to conform to the self-serving goals of big business, much like Native Americans have been captured and relegated to reservations in the name of US Imperialism. Did the Redskins case not teach us anything? 

Houston Texans: Nothing particularly offensive about this, but we can’t allow any one team to claim unique rights to their state’s name.  Isn’t Dallas also in Texas?  And we already explained why they need a new team name.  What if San Antonio or Austin wanted to add a franchise?  Sorry Houston, you can’t claim the whole state for yourself.  

Tennessee Titans:  We couldn’t find anything wrong with the name “Titans”, other than the connotation of shady Greek Gods who frequently abused their power.  We can’t really toss it out, but we’re sure a lawsuit is in there somewhere.  

Pittsburgh Steelers, Green Bay Packers:  These are teams named after specific industries; Steel production and meat packing, respectively.  While this probably started as a way to galvanize community support, it excludes the hard working proletariat that falls outside of a single, golden profession.  Surely Pittsburgh and Green Bay also have teachers, street sweepers, shop owners and dog catchers.  Where is their team?  And what about those not in the active workforce - on disability or a fixed pension/retirement income?  Should we exclude them?  Something along the lines of “Unified Supporters of Professional Football with Ties to the Larger Regional Area” might be more inclusive. We see the challenge getting that on a uniform, but we leave that to the graphic artists.

In summary, the NFL has a long way to go to show sensitivity to their fan base.  Names are usually chosen based on some bias with excludes, offends or exploits one or more individuals. As a solution, we suggest dropping names and logos altogether and identifying teams with numbers.  To avoid the argument over who should be “#1”, we will assign teams only consecutive prime numbers greater than 17.  Team’s slots in the assignment process will be chosen by lottery.  This is in the best interest of everyone and a great step forward for the professional sport we all love.  

WUSSI is honored to have contributed to this NFL makeover. 

Random Thoughts of September, 2014

• ·Baltimore Raven’s running back Ray Rice just got cut by his team and suspended indefinitely from the NFL after a video was released showing him punching his then-fiancée Janay Palmer and knocking her out in an elevator last February.  Women’s advocates are racing to the nearest cameras and microphones to denounce Ray and strike a blow (pun intended) against domestic violence.  Not defending Ray Rice, but for those who really pretend to care about Janay Palmer, who is now Mrs. Ray Rice, I pose this question:  What do you think makes her life worse:  That her fiancée punched her in a fight 7 months ago, or that her family has been stripped of their livelihood for the rest of their lives so she can be the poster-girl for domestic violence crusades?   And did TMZ really do her a favor by releasing this video? Or were they just being the tabloid whore that will get airtime at any cost?

• I’m not a big Obama defender, but I speak for a lot of Americans who are really tired of pundits throwing politicians under the bus for any and every problem in the world.  One can find enough actual problems tied directly to Obama’s presidency without resorting to demagoguery; it cheapens the legitimate points and turns off voters trying to sort through actual issues. I don’t know who will be president in 2046, but I’m pretty sure they will take a vacation sometime during their term, and I’m pretty sure somebody will say they are outraged that the President is [playing golf, fishing, biking, going to the beach, etc] while people are dying.  C’mon folks.  This isn’t helping us choose better leaders.

• ·        Greg Lukianoff had an excellent piece in the WSJ yesterday (9/09/14) entitled “Free Speech at Berkeley—So Long as It's 'Civil'.  He scolds University of California Chancellor Nicholas Dirks for his message last week to UC Berkeley faculty called ‘Civility and Free Speech’
   

Mr. Dirks writes that "we can only exercise our right to free speech insofar as we feel safe and respected in doing so." But a right to freedom of speech that ends whenever someone on campus claims not to feel "safe and respected" is a right to little more than polite chitchat. Speech that's free-with-some-qualifications means that students and faculty are left unable to take on the big debates and questions in a way that should be expected in an academic setting.

And while students should certainly feel "safe," it is important to recognize that these days the word has wandered far from its literal meaning. Feeling "safe" on college campuses means something closer to being completely comfortable, physically and intellectually.

 

Well said.  Free speech is not necessarily what the UC Berkeley Chancellor tells us it is.

• Pre-spin thoughts in response to tonite's presidential 's address on the ISIS terrorist threat:  Nice rhetoric:  I like the tone, "We will lead the charge to eliminate terrorism".  Could have been a wimpier.  Now the proof is to see how much we will back it up.  Not a fan of a commitment to limited engagement of our military (clearly a bone tossed to his left wing base) - sends a mixed message.  Frankly, I don't think our enemies believe Obama is willing to commit too many resources to the cause.  Expect political opponents on the right to criticize the President for too much equivocation. Expect the left wing to complain he is putting us back in the quagmire we just escaped.  I'll wait to see actual results, which = dead terrorists.  
• Not to let a good rage go unrewarded, CNN announced exclusive new witness testimony today regarding the shooting in Ferguson, MO.  These new, unidentified witnesses who were "contacted by CNN" claim they saw Michael Brown with his hands up over his head.  The CNN website shows chilling video that shows police taping off a scene where a shooting had taken place, and - perhaps most incriminating - the witness (who remains unnamed)  saw a police officer draw his weapon after shots had been fired-at the scene!!!  Well this is - without question- definitive PROOF that Michael Brown was killed by a police officer in Ferguson, MO on August 9!!!!!!   (see a previous post on the Media's Non Sequitur fest in Ferguson, MO). CNN didn't bother to tell us why this CONCLUSIVE EYEWITNESS VIDEO EVIDENCE didn't come forward until a month after the shooting.  They also didn't mention that the unnamed eyewitness is black.  They are trying  hard to relight that match that flamed the media bonfire for 10 days last month.